Halleluja, I'm in love with a man who is never going to love me back and who doesn't believe love could spring from online talking.
Trust me to fall for an unavailable guy. His girlfriend has cancer, so he's staying with her. He's noble, like me. I understand where he's coming from. Doesn't mean it makes the whole situation less miserable.
He pushes me to try things I would never have thought I could possibly do. He pokes me in the most uncomfortable spots. He doesn't let me become comfortable.
He wants me too.
I watched 'The Wedding Date' the other day ( ye ye, chick flicks and my romantic pathetic heart), and something the male lead said stayed with me: every woman has the exact love life she wants. To a great extent I do agree, but not wholly. I do NOT want to be miserable and in love with someone I can't have. FFS.
Yes, I have lovely kids, my life is not empty without masculine love and sex and whatnot. Yes, I'm valued at work.
And then there's the BUT.
BUT I remember what it was like to have someone to trust implicitly, someone who would never judge me, who would treat me as an equal.
BUT I remember how good it felt to have someone to hold me through the night, or at least to hear him breathe next to me, and know he would be there the following night, and the next...
BUT I remember the comfort of having the man I loved make love to me and mean it.
BUT I remember being so happy it hurt.
So why would I fall for someone who could (would) never give me any of that?
Ah yea, maybe it's because the man I trusted so implicitly and treated me with respect and made love to me like he meant it, who gave me my kids and breathed next to me in our bed went and cheated on me so I ended up kicking him out and dying in the process?
Thing is, I had been so smug in my happiness - my man would never leave me, we would raise our kids and grow old together - that I never saw it coming. My dad was not an angel, I have two brothers on the side somewhere. But he never left his family. I took my cue from what I had seen, and never expected my man to behave differently. Only those who have experienced such a thing can appreciate the deadly, ripping pain.
Is it that I'm subconciously protecting myself from that?
Still. I want that big overwhelming comfortable warm love.