For a while I've been feeling that my best friend is standing further away from me than she used to. I trust her with practically everything, and she doesn't. Naturally of course she doesn't inform me of tidbits concerning her partnership and intimate family life, but still...
She has had spells of illness which she has brushed aside as 'cold' or 'trouble with her ovaries' or 'had to do antibiotics'. In the past few weeks she was complaining of constant tiredness, saying she didn't scruple to tell me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want any visitors. Her grandma was recently taken to a home, so I attributed her exhaustion to the stress of coping with that and her work and everything. I tried to call her a couple of times, just to ask about how her grandma was doing and whether she was feeling better. No answer. No returned calls.
This morning I called her home, and her partner told me she's in hospital and didn't I know?
She has cancer.
Has had cancer for five years.
Never told me.
I know it's selfish of me to make it about me, she's the one who has cancer, she has every right to keep it to herself or tell those only whom she chooses but...
I'm awfully confused right now. I'm not her best friend? I'm not trustworthy? What is it?
I want to be there for her, but maybe I come on too strong?
Feels like I'm losing or have already lost my best friend.

Re-reading what I've just written it sure sounds like I'm what's the utmost in selfishness, all I I I, it's her who is ill after all...